Don't worry, be happy!

Don't worry, it will all work out in the end. How many times have you heard that, told someone or had it told to you? Looking back, was it not true? Did it not work out? Some people are professional worriers. Worrying about how they're bills are going to be paid, what they are going to have for dinner tonight, how to pay for their childrens' education, etc., etc. As humans, we have come to believe that worrying is natural. However, this psychological act is very unnatural. It is learned behaviour, along with doubt and fear. It is not surprising that the things we most worry about is what we fear the most.

To worry is to not trust in your and God's abilities. It is to say to yourself, I or God have not done enough, have not done what is best for me. People who stress over things are not as fulfilled as those who have a more carefree attitude. Carefree people are happier, more successful, are willing to trying to new things and make friends easier. Worrying robs people of true happiness and leaves a void for negative emotions such as disappointment, discouragement, anger and envy to set in. It can cause tension amongst family and friends and can cause and lead to serious health problems. People in our lives who worry needlessly are also bad for us, for their negative behaviour and habit may rub off on us.

Sometimes, it is better to keep things to yourself or to discuss your concerns and worries with just your God.MM

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13).

Why not to worry

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Faking the funk

As black women we love to fake the funk by leading lifestyles we can't afford. Buying things on impulse instead of paying bills, ducking creditors or trying to make a point to an ex-husband, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend and even family members. Many of us are fixadated on leading lifestyles that we perceive as being enviable. The thought is that, "maybe others will see me and want to be like me", or "look at me, I am doing better than you". Keeping up with the Joneses or just plain pretentious. We need to stop living as if we are only as good as the next trend. It's time black women began being honest with themselves. On the type of lives we can afford to live and our financial status.

Faking it, lying about it, getting angry, and getting into debt is just not the way, it only leads to trouble. We need to be willing to work for it, pray about it and not care what the next person thinks. We need to stop thinking that DIY makes us look cheap and being with a man with money but no manners is better than a hardworking man who is honest and loves us. We need to stop feeling guilty if we can't buy every brand name for our children and to be happy knowing they are healthy, clothed, fed and loved.

So keep it real. The Joneses might be better allies than enemies to compete against.MM

Letting it Go

The end of a relationship can be very traumatic or liberating. I've heard of people who have done everything from throwing parties to committing suicide. As women, ending a relationship with a man can be very difficult. Why then, do we continue unfulfilling friendships with girlfriends? Friendships that have fallen by the wayside, no longer have a meaning, we don't care about or worse yet, infests us with negativity? One word: fear!

I had a friend who I had known for 20+ years. Things began to change with us when I got married. I started to see her less and less and spoke with her even less than that. When I had my son, it took her 5 months to come out and see us (we lived in the same city) and I didn't see or hear from her again until months after. When I had my daughter, I called her to tell her and we spent an hour talking about how things were not working out with her then boyfriend. I never heard from her again. I never called. It's been 2 years. I should've ended the relationship earlier, the signs were all there. I know of a sister who (in order to end a friendship) ended up running out of a train she was travelling on with those same friends. Later, when I asked why she didn't just tell her friends things were not working out, she said she was afraid to. We don't break up with our girlfriends the same way we do with our boyfriends. It's funny because, usually the friends we want to break up with are people who we have known a long time, who have been there for us, when we needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh or gossip with. The end of Toni and Joan's friendship on the TV show Girlfriends is a perfect example. It was no surprise, but it did leave me wondering why their friendship hadn't died years before.

We should not allow fear to keep us in bad relationships with our girlfriends. Relationships breaking down are a part of life and if you think yours is worth fighting for, give it that effort. If not, let the friendship go and lay it to rest, but remember to do with grace, tact, sensitivity and class. There's nothing more tasteless than watching a friendship breakdown on YouTube, Facebook or Twitter.MM

Celebrating your Spirituality

Ask most black women, and they would say that spirituality means having a God and perhaps being a 'believer'. For most, spirituality has religious ties. For me, spirituality is a lot more than just conforming to a religion or believing that there is a God. To have and believe in a God is a wonderful and fulfilling experience and to belong to a religion, means I know people who have somewhat of the same belief systems as I do.

To be spiritual however, encompasses that and so much more. It is a belief that you get back from the universe, what you put into it. Positive begets positive and negative begets negative. That nothing lasts forever and hardships will eventually be overcome. It is a belief that we don't walk this life alone and that while there are forces working against us, there are also forces fighting on our behalf for our success and salvation. It is being directed by a force that can't be explained but you know is there and is leading you, guiding you. It is knowing that something good or bad is going to happen without any forewarning and the determination to embrace or change the outcome. Finally, spirituality is knowing that you are more than the you, you and others see and the drive to make that inner you come out and shine. It is life with purpose.

To all my sisters out there, spend some time with yourself and celebrate your spirituality.MM

Looking Back - Looking Forward

Every year around this time, I reflect on the year gone by and try to anticipate the one to come. Birthdays are funny like that, love it or hate it, as long as you have breath in your body, you can't avoid it. They are like a personal 'New Year'. I usually spend mine with family. Having a nice dinner with interesting conversation. As I reflect, I think of things I did right and wrong or could have done differently. None of which I can change but can definitely learn from. Watching my children play and thinking of how far I have come and how far yet I have to go. I treat myself to something, whether an item of clothing I've had my eye on or a pair of shoes and I always, always have something sweet. I believe that sweetness is a type of prosperity that you will take into the new year with you. For all those that have dreaded birthdays and only have seen them as getting older, don't despair. Look at it as an opportunity to become a new you, to do the things you have always wanted to do and to let your light shine.

For me, most importantly what a birthday represents is another chance to thank God for possibilities, hope, faith, outcome and his love.MM

Doing our 'Thang'

So many of us have seen other black women doing things, and by things I mean careers, jobs, hobbies and activities. Things that we either wish we could do, had the time to do or the no fear attitude to at least try. I meet many women day after day who-when speaking with them-it comes out that they wish they had tried one thing or another in their life. I know many talented sisters who don't pursue their talents. Yet, when we see another sister out there taking a chance, we do one of two things, we either commend her for going out there and doing her 'thang' or we 'hate' on her. The latter is not right. What we should be doing is encouraging each other to pursue our goals and aspirations. We should not be 'downing' others' passions but instead be helping each other on how to improve on those passions to turn them into something bigger. We should also use that to inspire and motivate ourselves to find our talents and improve on them.

I want to tell black women out there that if you have a talent you are passionate about, pursue it. In time you will see, with faith, hard work and a positive attitude, big things will happen. For the 'haters', if you have nothing encouraging to contribute, please step aside and let the rest of us do our 'thang'. MM
(Painting: Touch of Envy, ArtPosters International)

Shades of Brown

How can you tell what shade of brown a black child will be? Look at their cuticles or the tips of their ears when they are born. At times it's hard enough being black, but we then go on to categorize ourselves in shades. As a young girl, I always knew I was a dark-skinned black girl. I don't know if I had been told or if I read it somewhere, but I just knew. In highschool, I didn't get as much attention from the boys as my light-skinned girlfriends except for that one month every year. During black history month in February, the attention was mine, but then it would fade away quickly in March. I once had a boyfriend tell me that he did not need to do anything for black history month because he was dating a dark-skinned girl. Looking back now, I don't think that was a compliment.

"Black as tar", "dark as night", or "so black their blue", these terms are as uncomfortable and as deregotory as white people's "pale as a ghost". We have become so used to these sayings, we don't see that it does nothing in uplifting each other. The shades of our skin should have absolutely nothing to do with how smart, attentive or attractive we are. A fair coloured girl was described as being passable in terms of her looks, the person had went on to say, "if she was dark, she would be in trouble." I've had conversations with black women where they have described light-skinned women as beautiful but dark-skinned women as "exotic", (like they were some rare animal at a zoo.) Vanilla, chestnut, mohagany, ebony are just a few of the terms we use to label our skin colour. I think it's time we went beyond these surface descriptions and looked at what really matters and what we have to offer. To our families, our friends, society and ourselves.

That dark-skinned girl is now all grown-up with little black girls of her own. It would break my heart if they had to deal with the colour issue from their fellow sisters as I had to. MM